Burning Beneath

For days now, and maybe for years before that without even realizing it, one question keeps circling back to me…

What is love?

Scientifically, it’s simple. Chemicals, reactions, signals in the brain. Nothing magical about it.

But in real life, it never feels that simple.

In real life, love feels like a chase.

Something we run toward, or something we hope will find us.

And I wonder…

Are we chasing something real?

Or are we chasing a shape we created in our own minds… something we hope will quiet the noise inside us, something that might finally give our soul a place to rest?

A harbour.

A place where everything inside us can finally exhale.

But lately, I’ve been questioning that too.

Because if I’m honest… I don’t fully know what I’ve been chasing.

Was it love?

Or was it loneliness pushing me out of my own space, convincing me I needed something outside of me to feel whole?

The truth is, loneliness is not always a bad place.

There is no chaos there.

No noise.

No pretending.

No energy that drains you.

There is just space.

And in that space… I found myself.

After years of running, chasing goals, pushing forward without stopping, I never gave myself the time to look inward.

To sit with the fractures.

To acknowledge the battles I went through.

Even soldiers rest.

Even they are given time to heal.

I didn’t give that to myself.

But now… I am.

And yes, I still fall into old patterns sometimes.

Old habits. Old thoughts. Old stories my mind tries to create to fill the silence.

But the difference now is awareness.

I see it.

I stop it.

I pull myself back.

And that… that is growth.

I’m not chasing love anymore.

Or at least… I’m learning not to.

I’m learning to sit in the quiet without turning it into a fantasy.

Without creating stories just to escape the stillness.

Because that battle… it’s real.

And I know I’m not the only one fighting it.

But I am winning.

Slowly. Quietly. Consistently.

And maybe what I’ve been calling “love”… isn’t even what I’m truly looking for.

Maybe what I want is something deeper.

Mutual respect.

Mutual presence.

Mutual understanding.

Something real between two souls.

Not dramatic.

Not chaotic.

Not something that consumes you.

But something that feels safe.

Not boring… but safe.

And I think love… real love… comes down to one powerful moment.

The moment where two people can stand in front of each other…

completely exposed.

Not physically, but emotionally.

Mentally.

Soulfully.

Stripped of everything.

No masks.

No pretending.

No trying to be more, or less, than what we are.

Just standing there… as we are.

All the fears.

All the scars.

All the insecurities.

All the things we usually hide… laid out in the open.

And instead of judgment…

there is acceptance.

Instead of turning away…

we stay.

That moment… that space…

that is where love becomes real.

Because that kind of exposure is not easy.

It requires trust.

It requires safety.

It requires a level of peace within yourself first… before you can even allow someone else to truly see you.

And maybe that’s why I stopped chasing it.

Because what I’m looking for cannot be forced.

It cannot be rushed.

It cannot be built on illusion.

What I’m looking for is that space.

A space where I can stand fully as I am, with everything I’ve been through…

and not feel the need to hide any part of it.

And she can do the same.

Not to fix each other.

Not to complete each other.

But to witness each other.

To say, without words…

“I see you. All of you. And I’m still here.”

That kind of connection…

is not loud.

It’s not chaotic.

It doesn’t need to prove itself.

It’s quiet.

Steady.

Grounded.

It feels like safety.

And maybe…

that is the love I’ve been searching for all along.

Not something to chase.

But something that becomes possible…

only after I’ve learned how to sit with myself in peace.