Burning Beneath

Lately I have been confronting something inside myself.

One of those moments where I stop, step back, and start looking at my own patterns with complete honesty. Not blaming anyone else. Not trying to justify things. Just looking at myself and asking questions that are not always comfortable.

I have realized that sometimes I settle for what is simply in front of me.

Not because it is what I truly want.

But because it is there.

Because someone shows interest.
Because someone is kind.
Because someone is available.

And sometimes that alone becomes enough for me to start moving in that direction without really stopping and asking myself a much more important question.

Do I actually want this?

Or am I simply reacting to what is available?

And lately I find myself completely fed up with that pattern.

Not angry. Not bitter.

Just clear.

Clear that I do not want to keep slipping into things simply because they appear in my path. Simply because they are present in front of me.

I want to choose.

Even if that choice limits my options.

Even if it means waiting longer.

Even if it means saying no to people who are perfectly good people but simply not aligned with me.

Limiting my options does scare me. It makes me think about the possibility of longer periods of loneliness. But I also know that protecting my own heart and staying true to what I feel is something I can no longer ignore.

A small example crossed my mind recently.

Something that might sound insignificant on the surface, but it made me pause.

Seeing someone online and instinctively reacting. Sending a like. Acknowledging their attention. Engaging simply because they showed interest.

And then I stop and ask myself something very simple.

Why?

Why am I reacting?

Is it because I feel something?

Or simply because someone showed interest in me?

For example, tattoos and piercings are not something I am personally drawn to. That does not mean I judge anyone who has them. Not at all. People express themselves in many different ways and that is perfectly fine.

But it is simply not my style.

Not something that resonates with me when I imagine the kind of partner I am looking for.

And that realization made me pause.

Why would I move toward something that I already know does not align with what I am naturally drawn to?

Why would I override my own instincts just because someone is kind, present, or interested?

I know that people sometimes show interest in me.

And I also know something very clearly about myself.

If I do not feel romantic energy toward someone, I cannot force it.

I can appreciate them.

I can enjoy their company.

I can laugh with them and enjoy their presence.

But enjoying someone’s energy does not mean they are the person I see beside me for the rest of my life.

And that difference matters to me.

Because when my heart chooses someone, it does not do it halfway.

Even when I was young, my friendships were like that.

There were always many people around me. Many people who gravitated toward me, laughed with me, spent time with me.

But my heart always chose one.

One close friend.

Not because I distrusted others.

But because I simply did not need more.

When I care about someone, I give them my full attention.

My full loyalty.

My full presence.

And that is exactly how I approached my marriage.

My whole life revolved around my family, my children, and my partner.

But somewhere along the way I also realized something important.

I gave too much while accepting less than what I deserved.

Today my values are very clear to me.

Respect.

A good heart.

Good intentions.

Honesty.

Loyalty.

Sincerity.

Nothing fake.

I feel people’s energy very strongly.

I can see authenticity in someone’s eyes, in their presence, in the way they smile, in the way they laugh.

If someone’s laugh feels fake or polite to me, I notice it immediately.

If something about their presence feels forced or insincere, I feel it.

And when that happens, I simply step back.

Not because I dislike them.

But because I do not want to invest my energy in something that does not feel real.

If there is one quality that stands above everything else for me, it is kindness.

Real kindness.

The kind that shows itself naturally in someone’s presence.

In their eyes.

In the way they react to others.

In the way they treat people who cannot offer them anything.

Kindness is not weakness.

The kindness I admire exists inside strong people.

People who have gone through life, through hardship, through pain, and somehow remained soft.

That softness is something I deeply respect.

Because I recognize it in myself.

Despite everything I have experienced in life, my heart still remains soft toward people.

And sometimes that even surprises me.

When I think about partnership, I realize that my view of it might not be the same as what many people describe.

I often hear people say that partners should have separate lives.

That they should live together but still maintain independent worlds.

That idea has always felt strange to me.

Not because I want someone attached to me every moment.

I actually enjoy solitude.

Even when I was married and raising children, I often took short trips alone.

Just a couple of days away.

Quiet places in nature.

Time to recharge.

Then I would come back refreshed and ready to continue life again.

But that is very different from living separate lives.

I do not want a relationship where two people simply coexist beside each other.

I want a relationship where two people genuinely want to share their lives with each other.

Not suffocating each other.

But choosing each other.

The kind of relationship I believe in is one where two people almost compete in loving each other.

Not competing against each other.

But competing in giving.

Competing in attention.

Competing in care.

Competing in making the other person feel seen, safe, and valued.

Giving before the other even asks.

That is simply the way I love.

I am also very aware of my own vulnerabilities.

There are things about me that come from past experiences.

Things that still need healing.

Silence without explanation affects me deeply.

It comes from wounds that I am still working through.

And I am not ashamed of them.

I hide nothing.

If I trust someone, I will show them every part of who I am.

My strengths.

And my weaknesses.

What I hope for is someone who does not use those weaknesses against me.

Someone who understands them.

Someone who is gentle with them.

Someone who helps me move through them rather than triggering them.

Because when I care about someone, I offer them that same safety.

There are also simple things I have noticed about myself.

Preferences that are simply part of who I am.

I tend to be drawn to red hair.

And to full-figured women.

But beyond appearance, what attracts me most is softness.

Femininity.

Warmth.

There is a part of me that genuinely enjoys nurturing.

Giving affection.

Making someone feel loved and cherished.

Seeing someone relax into that love brings me happiness.

At the end of all this reflection, one truth is very clear to me.

I will not apologize for knowing what I want.

I will not dilute my standards simply to avoid loneliness.

And I will not settle simply because something is available.

I know what I value.

I know what I bring into a relationship.

And I know the kind of connection I am willing to build.

Even if it is rare.

Even if it takes time.

Some things are worth waiting for.

And I will not give up on what I deserve.