Burning Beneath

Lately, I’ve been wondering if I’m slipping back into old habits. I’ve always had this strange urge to show love or appreciation through buying things — not in a romantic way, not because I’m in love or flirting, but even with friends. If I like someone as a person, something inside me pushes me to give.

If we go out for dinner, I feel this heavy urge to pay, even when I’m financially struggling. If someone mentions wanting something — not even asking me directly, just casually saying “I miss this” or “I wish I had that” — my first instinct is to go and get it for them.

It’s not new. I’ve seen this behaviour in myself for years. It’s just more obvious now.

I remember throwing a surprise farewell party for a friend who was moving away — the restaurant, the cake, the whole thing. I paid for everything, happily… but to my own financial damage.

And I keep asking myself: why do I do this? Why do I give even when it hurts me?

Maybe it’s cultural. I grew up in a community where generosity is a deep part of our identity. Where hosting, giving, providing, and taking care of others is the norm. Where even a stranger would be invited into your home for three days with no questions asked. That spirit is beautiful — but somewhere along the way, I think I twisted it into a personal responsibility.

Part of it might be my personality, too. I’ve always been the one who takes charge, leads, plans, organizes, handles the bill, manages the details. I don’t say this to praise myself — in fact, I kind of hate it. Because I know I’ll suffer later. I know it will drain me financially and emotionally.

And still… I do it.

And people take advantage of it.

That happened in my last relationship. I let someone take far more than they ever gave, until I finally said “enough.” I’m proud I ended it — but I also wish I had protected myself sooner.

So I’m left with this question:

Where does this behaviour come from? My childhood? My trauma? My upbringing? This need to provide, to give, to prove something?

I don’t have the answer yet.

But I’m finally noticing it — and maybe that’s the first step toward changing it.