Burning Beneath

It’s been a lot—what I’m going through these days, and not just these days, but for the past few months. I’ve been on medical leave from work because of stress, and managing my daily routine has been anything but easy. The weight of my thoughts keeps pressing down on me to the point where sometimes I can’t even leave my bed.

I can’t control it—my thoughts, my feelings. It’s a chaotic state I keep trying to escape, but there’s no simple way out. My occupational therapist tells me I’m stuck in a freeze state, part of the fight-or-flight response. My body feels frozen while my mind races at lightning speed, jumping from tasks to chores to responsibilities, all while my body refuses to move. And finally—I get it.

I understand now why some people end up homeless. Before, when I’d see someone young and able-bodied holding a cardboard sign, I used to think, If I give you money, I’m enabling you. Why don’t you just get a job? Looking back, I laugh bitterly at that thought and I feel the need to apologize. Because now I know—being physically capable doesn’t mean you’re free. Sometimes your mind traps you so deeply you can’t break out, no matter how hard you try.

I’ve worked my whole life. I’ve been the sole provider for my family. I’ve always shown up, always stayed on top of my game. But things change. And I have to accept that. I have to acknowledge it and keep searching for a way out, even if it’s slow.

Some days it takes everything I have just to get to a doctor’s appointment. Other days, the fight is only inside my mind. And truthfully, it’s exhausting. Most of the time, I feel like I’m losing that fight. But this is where I am now. All I can do is accept, be patient, and take small steps toward the light.

And honestly—I miss writing. For a long time, I stopped. But maybe, just maybe, if I can keep writing again, it might help me find pieces of myself that I thought I’d lost.