Burning Beneath

The more I reflect on my life, the deeper I look within, the more I realize how much the trauma I’ve endured has shaped me. Somewhere along the way, I learned to keep a blind eye and just keep moving forward. That youthful energy we had in our younger years kept us going, even when we were wounded inside. I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. I just kept pushing, always looking ahead, always chasing a dream I could barely define.

I remember being nine years old and already dreaming of living alone in my own apartment—away from my family. That’s such a young age to want independence. But I now understand it came from the dysfunction I was born into. Don’t get me wrong—I love my family deeply. But I refused to let my life repeat the same patterns, especially for the sake of my children. That’s why, eventually, I walked away from my marriage. The stress—especially in the final years—was unbearable, and it was no longer a healthy environment or a good example for my kids.

That same “keep going” energy has been both a blessing and a curse. It helped me survive, but it also pushed me to suppress my feelings. I never really paused to process the pain. I just kept going… until I couldn’t anymore.

My breakdown began quietly, sometime before I turned 45. Anxiety, depression, and stress slowly crept in. I’ve never been someone to stay in bed. I’m an early riser—always up by six or seven, out and about, getting things done. But then suddenly, I couldn’t. I was tired all the time. I stayed under the covers, hidden under the weight of my blanket, disconnected from the world.

Even conversations with my children happened from under the blanket. But I still showed up—for them. I got up each morning, took them to school, came back, and went straight to bed. I still cooked, because I knew they’d come home hungry. But I did very little else. I encouraged them to be independent—not out of neglect, but out of necessity—and they rose to that challenge. I’m proud of who they are: kind, respectful, grounded, and joyful. I must’ve done something right.

Now, I try to pass on to them what I’m still learning: life is about connection, experience, and living in the present. Don’t waste time dwelling on the past or fearing the future. Yes, life will bring trauma and obstacles. But we keep moving—not to forget, but to keep becoming.