Burning Beneath

I find myself here—again.
The same pattern, the same heartache, the same lesson… one I promise myself I’ve learned, only to slip right back into it.
Each time I whisper, “never again,”
And yet—again.

I move through this world heart-first.
I feel before I think.
I give, not in portions, but in full. All of me.
With no hesitation, no calculations, no second-guessing.
Because that’s how I wish the world was—honest, kind, sincere.

I’m not saying I’m perfect or trying to paint myself as a saint.
I’m just explaining how I see the world.
I know there’s ugliness out there—I’m not blind to it.
But I make the conscious choice, every single day, to look for beauty instead.
Especially when I connect with someone.
Especially when something in me dares to hope: Maybe this time it’s real. Maybe this time I’m safe.

But then the mask drops.
And it cuts me deeper than I’d like to admit.

It’s hard—so hard—when a space I thought was safe, suddenly isn’t.
When I start to believe I belong, only to find out I don’t.
It shakes me.
Because I’ve been searching… searching for my tribe.
The kind of souls who resemble me—not in appearance, but in essence.
Who feel deeply.
Who speak truth.
Who live with open hearts.

I crave honesty.
Vulnerability.
Simplicity.
No façades. No hidden motives. No smiles that don’t reach the eyes.

I want someone whose words match their heart.
Whose heart beats loud enough that I can hear the truth in their silence.
People like that—souls like that—are rare. But they’re worth waiting for. Worth fighting for.
And I’ve promised myself: I won’t settle for anything less.

I know my worth.
I know who I am.
And no, I’m not ashamed to say I’m still figuring things out.
I’m not ashamed to say I’m in need—emotionally, spiritually, humanly.
But needing isn’t weakness.
Because I’ve survived on my own.
I’ve fought battles most people don’t even know I’ve faced.

I don’t need anyone to save me.
I’ve already been saving myself for years.

What I do need—what any soul craves—is to be heard.
To be seen.
To be understood, without judgment or a ticking clock.
Friendship, love, partnership—they all come down to one simple truth:
We matter when someone shows us that we do.

But here’s the thing—I’ve realized I can’t keep looking for that validation out there.
Not in people. Not in moments.
Not anymore.

I have to be enough for me.

And maybe that’s the truest kind of healing—
When you stop waiting for someone else to prove your worth
And you start living like you already believe it.

So, I’ve decided to keep walking this path of growth.
Of healing.
Of becoming.

Not to impress.
Not to attract.
But simply to evolve—for me.

And one day, maybe when the time is right, the kind of love I envision—the kind that mirrors my soul—will find me.
But that’s not today’s mission.

Right now, I’m choosing me.