Burning Beneath

Today, I went on a picnic with some friends. It was supposed to be a fun escape—fresh air, good company, a scenic view—but instead, I found myself once again caught in a familiar pattern. The drive was long, nearly two and a half hours, and by the time we arrived, we hadn’t even landed in the place we initially planned for. Not because it wasn’t there. Not because we got lost. But because our group, like always, had conflicting preferences, and we kept shifting things around to accommodate everyone.

Somewhere along the way, I became the unofficial peacemaker of the group—as I often do. I find myself trying to balance everyone’s wishes, smooth over disagreements, and keep the mood light and conflict-free. On paper, it sounds noble. But in reality, it’s draining. Every time, I tell myself, “This is the last time I do this,” and yet… I end up doing it again.

Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy being with my friends. I love the laughter, the shared stories, the bond. But when the day starts to feel like a tug-of-war of preferences, and I keep quiet about what I truly want just to avoid tension, I walk away feeling half-empty. Like I’ve compromised a bit too much of myself—again.

Today was a 50-50 experience. Not terrible, but not fulfilling either. And that got me thinking: why do I keep repeating this pattern? Why do I agree to things that don’t feel right for me? Is this my people-pleasing tendency showing up again? Or maybe it’s something deeper—something rooted in codependency, the need to be the one who keeps the peace, even at my own expense.

Being polite is not a flaw. But silencing my own needs in the name of being “nice” is not kindness either—it’s self-abandonment. And that’s a lesson I’m slowly learning, one outing at a time.

So here’s what I’m promising myself: I need to hit the reset button. I need to stop making the same choices that leave me feeling resentful or unsatisfied. It’s okay if not everyone is happy all the time. It’s okay to say, “This doesn’t work for me.” It’s okay to choose me sometimes.

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To those who have been reading my posts, I want to apologize for the long pause. I had some health issues that needed my attention, but I’m slowly getting back to my rhythm. Thank you for your patience, and for still being here.